Here I am

HERE I AM. There were so many times these last four weeks when I wanted to run back to New York. Back to my familiar apartment, the dog, the possibility of love, my friends, safety. But there was a little voice inside me saying keep going. So I did. I even wrote it down sometimes, just to be sure. Keep going, keep going. No going backwards. Keep going forwards to this new life you are making. I marched, tentatively stepped, and part leapt into the unknown. As I write, I’ve got an iv in my wrist and a virus called dengue running a marathon in my body. Well fuck. You know there is no going back now! As my doctor so perfectly put it “How do you check mate your situation?” In this sweaty fever, my clothes and sheets getting changed for me, all I can think is how life just got a little juicier and I should not be afraid to share that. It’s scary for sure. Not because I’m in a hospital, but because I see uncertainty is everywhere (and always has been) and am starting to welcome it in like the prize guests at my own dinner party. When I left the US in October because my visa had expired, I had no idea it would be the catalyst to become an artist, pursue deeply meaningful work and relationships, ride some intense feelings, let go to love and set out my manifesto for how I might start to live life next. Going back to New York any sooner than tomorrow would have been the equivalent of turning my head and missing the craziest sunrise of my life, lighting up right in front of my eyes. x

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